Appiness Is A Warm Pun

Jan 12, 2018
Originally published on June 8, 2018 7:02 am

Found a 5-star restaurant? Just tap this app to let out a loud, piercing cry that alerts other foodies to your exact location. Thanks, "Yelp." We redesigned popular smartphone applications to do exactly what their names suggest. Contestants guess the app based on its revised, more literal description.

Heard on Luka Kain: Pikachu, Strike A Pose

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OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Want our next special guest to play for you? Follow ASK ME ANOTHER on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

If you use Slack to slack off, this game is for you - explodey (ph) parrot emoji react. Let's meet our contestants. First up, Justin Cornell on buzzer No. 1.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: You're a technical director for an experimental theater company. Welcome.

JUSTIN CORNELL: Thanks for having me.

EISENBERG: Your opponent is Masoud Mortazavi on buzzer No. 2.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: You're an attorney who clerks for a judge in Queens. Welcome.

MASOUD MORTAZAVI: Thank you.

EISENBERG: OK. Remember, Justin and Masoud, the first of you who wins two of our games will move on to the final round. Let's go to your first game. Justin, what is an app you'd love to create?

CORNELL: I'd love to see a reading app that not only tracks what is the last page you were on, but when is it you stopped paying attention or you started falling asleep?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: I like that. And does it directly send an email to the author to let them know?

(LAUGHTER)

CORNELL: You might want to edit that part out.

EISENBERG: Yeah. That's terrible. Masoud, what's an app you'd love to create?

MORTAZAVI: An app that can change red lights to green lights.

EISENBERG: Just for you, right? Because if everyone has that, that's mayhem.

CORNELL: Any more than one person - yeah.

MORTAZAVI: Why's mayhem bad?

CORNELL: Oh, boy.

EISENBERG: Good, good. OK. This is a trivia game called App-iness Is A Warm Pun. We redesigned popular smartphone apps to do exactly what their names suggest.

JONATHAN COULTON: For example, if I said, found a five-star restaurant? Just tap this app to let out a loud, piercing cry that alerts other foodies to your exact location. You would answer Yelp.

EISENBERG: Ring in to answer. Here we go. Accident prone? You don't need to be board-certified to sew up these gaping wounds. Download this app and listen to your favorite podcasts as it patches you up.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Justin.

CORNELL: Stitcher?

EISENBERG: That is correct, yes.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Why listen to the latest Jay-Z release when you could consult this handy app and learn all about the highs and lows of ocean levels in just seconds?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Mosaud.

MORTAZAVI: Tidal.

COULTON: Tidal is correct. That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: That's Jay-Z's streaming service.

EISENBERG: Do you use Tidal?

MORTAZAVI: No.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: If you ever wanted to communicate exclusively by clicking your fingers together, just open this app, and it will sound like a poetry reading at Berkeley.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Justin.

CORNELL: Snapchat.

EISENBERG: That is correct, yes.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Women are the queen bees on this dating app, where a single tap will envelop someone in a swarm of bees.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Justin.

CORNELL: Bumble.

COULTON: Bumble - you got it.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: That's a mixed message dating app.

COULTON: Well, just don't mess up if you don't want to get stung.

EISENBERG: Need a snack? This app will hook you up with the hottest hoagies, heroes and eggplant subs in your immediate area. No, not sure?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Oh, Masoud?

MORTAZAVI: GrubHub?

EISENBERG: Not what we were looking for. Justin, can you steal? No? The answer is Grindr.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Large variety of eggplant subs was the tip-off.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: If you hate seeing how your food or your clothing is made, this is the app for you. You'll get a meal and a new outfit delivered right to your door, and you won't be able to see how either was put together.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Masoud.

MORTAZAVI: Seamless.

COULTON: Seamless is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: All right. Here's your last clue. Never again, never again, will you have to grind your own peppermints, gumdrops or red vines into a fine powder. This app will do it for you.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Masoud.

MORTAZAVI: "Candy Crush."

EISENBERG: That is correct. Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Puzzle guru Art Chung, how did our contestants do?

ART CHUNG: We have a tie. Congratulations. Here's your tiebreaker. If you've lost count of how many phones you've broken trying to bounce them into your opponent's quadrant then you'll be the mayor of the schoolyard with this baller app.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

CHUNG: Justin.

CORNELL: Foursquare.

CHUNG: That's right. Well done. You're one step closer to our final round.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Are you waiting for the ASK ME ANOTHER app? Well, don't hold your breath. The only way to play is to be a contestant on our show. Go to amatickets.org for info on how to apply and for our upcoming road shows. We'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Warner Theatre on February 1. Coming up, a music parody where everything will be all right, all right. And no, it's not about Matthew McConaughey. I'm Ophira Eisenberg, and this is ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR.

(APPLAUSE) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.